Sunday
Jun272010
How to Start Your Own Religion or In the beginning there was Claudia & [INSERT EX-BOYFRIEND NAME HERE]
June 27, 2010 Holy scriptures should be written with wine & on napkins & the backs of receipts. Believe everything you write when you are drunk & sad, because it is a spirit speaking through you. Name your chapters after them. The Books of Jack, Jose, Jim & Smirnoff are often the most inspirational.
Leave out the monks & nuns & instead form a congregation of ex-lovers (altar boys & sacrificial virgins not included). Although be warned that they will almost always be conflicted & constantly questioning your credo. Any renouncement of love given on a Friday night should not be taken seriously. They will always come back seeking redemption on Sunday.
Let your symbols pick you. Everyone has a spirit animal & a celebrity look-alike. Wait for them to come to you in dreams, or just stare at yourself in the mirror for a really long time.
& baptisms & other ceremonies should begin with a confession of sins followed by a swallowing of something to make you forget these sins. All offerings & tithing are paid voluntarily & in dramatic displays of affection, like a boombox over your head, or a last-minute attempt to worship me as I’m at an airport & leaving you.
& the punishment for heretics? I will tell you that you suck & throw something at your head as you're walking out. Don’t worry though, it will miss your head & hit the door as you slam it, breaking into a bunch of pieces. This, I will later say is symbolic of my heart as I sweep the floor clean, while listening to David Gray's Ain't No Love.
Leave out the monks & nuns & instead form a congregation of ex-lovers (altar boys & sacrificial virgins not included). Although be warned that they will almost always be conflicted & constantly questioning your credo. Any renouncement of love given on a Friday night should not be taken seriously. They will always come back seeking redemption on Sunday.
Let your symbols pick you. Everyone has a spirit animal & a celebrity look-alike. Wait for them to come to you in dreams, or just stare at yourself in the mirror for a really long time.
& baptisms & other ceremonies should begin with a confession of sins followed by a swallowing of something to make you forget these sins. All offerings & tithing are paid voluntarily & in dramatic displays of affection, like a boombox over your head, or a last-minute attempt to worship me as I’m at an airport & leaving you.
& the punishment for heretics? I will tell you that you suck & throw something at your head as you're walking out. Don’t worry though, it will miss your head & hit the door as you slam it, breaking into a bunch of pieces. This, I will later say is symbolic of my heart as I sweep the floor clean, while listening to David Gray's Ain't No Love.
& in the end, destroy everything. But only when you’ve accrued enough good karma & energy to start all over again, because a secret of the universe is: nothing ever really ends, only becomes something else, so make it better.
